The third story, I'm not sure where I first heard it. It's about Lottery township. It's where Virgil's parents came from. Most lotteries were deemed illegal in the township, all except one. Lotteries were considered gambling, but the only one they permitted to be held could be considered the biggest gamble of all. There were not that many people in the township, but all of the residents participated in a drawing to see what position they would hold in the township.

There was no equal to Virgil's sister ...Mabel.  Mabel considered it a compliment if someone called her "simple". And she considered her brother, Virgil, a genius.

It so happened that the lottery placed Mabel in the position of police officer.  The only thing anyone in the township could do well ...was drive.  And Mabel could drive well ...so it seemed fine to be fitted for a police uniform.  It made her kind of proud.

Virgil's girlfriend, April, had survived her heart attack ...but had suffered a stroke.  Her brain had a hard time getting oxygen after that, but it didn't bother Virgil much ...it just kind of put her more on his level.  She did everything slow ...she moved slow, and she thought slow.  And she couldn't remember much, but she and Virgil held as fast friends ...in a slow sort of way.

Virgil wanted his parents to meet April.  And April wanted to drive.

Mabel knew they were coming, and waited all morning ...and halfway into the afternoon before she pulled them over. She wanted to impress her brother, "I think I'm going to have to give you a coupon."

April didn't speak at first, "What fer ...I'm not buying anything."

Mabel smiles over at her brother, "Fer going too slow."

April speaks up, "I'm not buying that either."

Mabel stands more upright, "Let me see yer driving lie-since."

April gets a little excited, and holds her head, "What's a driving lie-since?"

Mabel tries to be as professional as she can be, to impress her brother, "It's sumthin' ya keep in yer purse ...with yer pit-cher on it."

April goes through her purse twice, and can't find it ...all she comes up with is a broken make-up kit and some powder all over her fingers.

Mabel restates the only thing she knows, "It's square ...and got yer pit-cher on it."

April sneezes from all the powder ...and lifts her hand out of her purse to shield another sneeze, with the broken lid of her make-up.  She looks into the mirror on the lid, and says, "Oh, here it is!"  And she hands Mabel the mirrored lid from the broken make-up container.

Mabel looks at it, then says, "Sorry, you can go ...I didn't relize you were a po-leese offi-sir." 

(This was originally a blonde joke, but I don't like blonde jokes ...but I don't know if it's politically correct to tell jokes about simple-minded people either.)